Pastor-teacher Don Hargrove
Faith Bible Church
Friday, March 20, 2009
THE As-Zs OF
NEVERS IN MARRIAGE:
S-SEXUAL
REJECTION, Part 4 (8 Causes of Sexual Problems: #4-#6)
As we
have noted: according to the Word of God
sex between the husband and wife is designed to be a blessing in the realm of
love, intimacy, unity, and mutual physical pleasure. To disagree with these basic propositions on
sex is not simply to disagree with me (which really does not matter), but with
the Word of God and God Himself. To put
experience or anything else above the Word of God is to in effect destroy
the authority of the Word of God and make Divine Truth at best subjective
and at worst an outright lie. The Bible
alone is the Word of God and God’s complete and final revelation to
mankind! Man is his own worst enemy in
so many ways but it always comes back to the fact that he thinks more of self
than he ought (Rom 12:3) and this always translates into thinking she knows
better than God.
It is
interesting that those who do not accept the truths of God on the joys and
blessings of sex in marriage as outlined throughout the Word of God are the
ones who generally make excuses for their abstinence in marriage – usually
by some type of holier than thou attitude, i.e. "I am too spiritual
for such things." What
malarkey! What rejection of God’s
Word! What rejection of Jesus Christ!
(Mt 19:5; Eph 5:31).
Anyway…back
to the sexual problems as per this DDR series.
When sexual problems appear, some couples simply give up and don’t try
to resolve their difficulties. They may
fear of discussing the frustrations or a belief that things will never get
better. Others develop physical symptoms
– headaches, abdominal pains, fatigue, or emotional distress – all of which
hide the sexual problem and provide an excuse for abstinence. Studies indicate that in a surprising large
number of young marriages, there is no sex at all - usually due to the fears
and attitudes of the wife. In some of
these marriages the marriage has not even been consummated.
Rejection
of sex in a marriage can be very difficult for a mate who wants sexual
fulfillment. In the last DDR I noted
the first three of the eight common reasons for sexual rejection in marriage. Let us now turn to the next three.
#4) Fatigue, Haste,
and Lack of Opportunity. Fatigue is a
common cause of unsatisfactory sex.
Mutually pleasurable sexual intercourse takes physical and mental
energy. It also takes a relaxed,
unhurried attitude that is not greatly concerned about time. When a young couple is first married, they
can sleep late on weekends, and have no children to demand their attention, to
interrupt their lovemaking, or to interfere with sexual spontaneity. These couples often have a great deal of
vigor and natural energy. As they grow
older, the husband and wife may have an undiminished desire for sex, but also
have less energy, more responsibilities and demands on their time, increased mental
and physical fatigue, and a need for more sleep. Growing children demand attention and their
presence often forces couples to reduce the frequency and spontaneity of sexual
intercourse. When they are able to get
alone in bed, there often is a desire to “hurry so we can get some sleep” or to
“keep quiet so the kids won’t hear us.”
It requires almost no sophistication for us to realize that common
concerns like these can interfere with relaxed sexuality and can create sexual
tensions within the marriage. The
solution is found in living out the principles of the Word of God – especially
those precepts that deal with the fact that the husband and wife are to keep
each other and the marriage as the top priority even though many times they
will have to put the kids first chronologically. Logically the husband and wife are to put
each other first even during those times when the kids have to come first
chronologically and temporally (feed, change diapers, ad nauseam). The couple must especially be sensitive to
not allowing differing attitudes with respect to raising the kids become a source of division. During these very trying tots to teens years
it is so important for both the husband and the wife really focus on their
spiritual growth together in the Word of God.
Most divorces take place during this time because the husband and wife
lose touch with each other as they lose touch with the God who made them and
His plan for their lives – a plan which provides all that a believer needs to
handle the adjustments and distractions of children.
#5) Boredom. When believers do not grow spiritually by
consistently staying in fellowship and advancing in Bible doctrine, they
default to life dominated by the old sin nature. One dominant characteristic of the old sin
nature is boredom with the same old thing – the old sin nature simply lacks the
capacity to go beyond the experiences of the senses; it lacks capacity for the
sublime, the lofty, and the supreme joy.
It is spiritual life that gives believers the capacity to enjoy all of
the mental, spiritual, and sublime aspects of love making, e.g. love, unity, coalescence of souls, awe,
exhilaration and joy. Under the old sin
nature it is just about the physical and as they run out of novel ways
to have sex, foreplay becomes shorter, and coitus becomes routine. After several years of failing to grow in a
thriving spiritual life, sex becomes monotonous. To add insult to injury partners sometimes becomes
less interested in their appearance – e.g. nasty boxers, nasty bodies. Sex
under such circumstances is not very fulfilling to say the least, and the stage
has been set for an extramarital experience with someone who is more exciting
and novel than one’s mate. The old sin
nature is extremely pernicious. Studies
indicate that some couples cope with their boredom not by extramarital affairs
but by fantasy with other people.
During the act of intercourse, they fantasize about previous, desired,
or exotic sexual involvements – and some do it as the only way to reach an
orgasm. This of course destroys all
capacity for intimacy in the marriage.
There is simply no substitute for growing spiritually. To
grow in the spiritual life is to grow in love with your spouse and to enjoy
intimacy even in the later years when you may not be quite the athlete you
once was.
#6) Physical causes. Sometimes sexual problems have physical
origins such as endocrine
disturbances, obesity, diabetes, low energy level, or the
weakening of vaginal muscles in women who have given birth. Sometimes a physical illness prevents sexual
behavior, and at other times it may cause people to be afraid of
intercourse. In one research study, for
example, it was found that 80 percent of heart attack patients were afraid to
resume sexual activity after their illness, and 42 percent of the men had
difficulties attaining or maintaining an erection. Almost always, when physiology creates sexual
problems, psychological tensions come as well and a vicious circle develops: the physiological problem creates psychological
tension that in turn hinders physical functioning. In some cases physiological malfunctioning
(real or imagined) is used as an excuse for abstinence or sexual difficulties. Perhaps the most common physical hindrance
to sexual fulfillment is the use of drugs, including alcohol. Since alcohol relaxes people, minimizes
anxiety, and makes them less inhibited, some couples drink before
intercourse. In large quantity, however,
alcohol dulls sensations. It is one of
the principle causes of impotence in males.
Such impotence creates anxiety and a fear that one is sexually
inadequate. These anxieties hinder
further attempts at intercourse, especially if the man has few more drinks to
relax before “trying again.” The
ultimate solution is always growth in the Word of God. The couple which continues to grow
spiritually will enjoy each other and experience an intimacy especially in
the golden years when they are not quite the "gymnasts" that they
used to be. Through spiritual growth an
elderly couple is able to enjoy the most sublime intimate relationship, a
relationship that may have had plenty of ups and downs but a relationship
that lives in the understanding and awe of the fact that out of all of the
world, God made this person for me. As a
matter of fact an older couple which grows spiritually together through all of
the trials and tribulations of life will enjoy a mature love, intimacy, unity,
and connectedness - a blessed unity and intimacy that not even the most virile
young couple can possess or achieve merely by physical
means. The greatest
love making organ really is the mind - i.e. a mind which has been
shaped, formed, beautified, and edified by the Word of God.
Doctrine matters!
In Him,
Don